


A Good Mauling

by missmichellebelle



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Beard Fic, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-12-12 03:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missmichellebelle/pseuds/missmichellebelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Chris, this isn’t funny, I love your cat and everything but I don’t want it fucking mauling my face. I like my face. And you like my face, so it’s safe to say there should be no face mauling.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Good Mauling

“Chris.”

Darren’s legs wiggle in his lap and bounce Chris’s computer from where they’re resting on Darren’s calves; Chris clamps down on them with his arm and continues to type with his other hand, as if nothing happened.

“ _Chris_.”

Learning to type semi-efficiently with one hand was something that Chris simply had to learn to do. It meant he could eat, or drink, or text and still continue writing at the same time.

“ ** _Chris_**.”

“Mmm?” He pauses just for a moment, eyes flicking over his words and—ugh,  _no_. He sighs, highlighting the entire paragraph he just wrote and deleting it.

“Brian is staring at me.”

”He’s a cat, Dare,” Chris murmurs, his attention more focused on trying to get back into his mindset. He reads over the last few paragraphs, frowning.

“No, seriously, Chris, he is just fucking sitting there and looking at me.”

Chris huffs out an annoyed breath through his nose and snaps his laptop closed. No matter how much Darren insists he can just  _be there_  and  _be quiet_  and  _I won’t be distracting I promise_ , he always manages to set Chris’s brain off course.

“Okay, you have my attention, what?” Chris snaps, narrowing his eyes behind his glasses as he turns to look at Darren. Darren sinks into the couch, his shoulders coming up close to his ears, his lip jutting out—

“Don’t you even dare, Darren Criss, don’t you—”

But he’s pouting and batting his eyelashes and he knows  _exactly_  what he’s doing. Chris sighs, tucking his laptop on the coffee table and wilting back, turning to look at Darren in annoyance.

“I hate your stupid face.”

The look is gone just like that and Darren is beaming.

“No you don’t,” he hums in a sing-song and kisses into the air, his toes niggling against Chris’s stomach. Chris gasps in surprise, inching away from them.

“Your feet are  _right here_. I  _will_  tickle you,” he threatens. Darren laughs and jerks his legs straight again, digging his toes under the arm of the couch. “Now why did you so rudely interrupt me?”

Darren frowns for a moment but then brushes past it.

“Your cat is fucking staring at me.”

“…Darren. It’s a  _cat_.”

“No, seriously, look at him. He looks like he’s plotting a plan of attack.”

Chris looks over at his cat, curled up on the coffee table—originally, Chris had tried to keep him off of it but it became apparent very quickly that Brian had no intention of listening to him—and, well, okay, he is staring pretty intently at Darren. His tail swishes back and forth off the other side of the table and he keeps shuffling his legs. He’s not curled up so much as…

“I think he’s going to pounce on you,” Chris says after a few moments.

“He’s going to—what? Pounce?  _Why?_ ” Darren scoots back into the couch a bit further but Chris knows it’s useless. Brian can jump pretty far.

“I don’t know, Darren, why don’t we ask him,” Chris deadpans, turning to look at Darren again. He’s watching Brian with unsteady eyes.

It’s not that Brian doesn’t  _like_  Darren. In fact, Darren loves Brian and is always trying to play with him. But Brian is old and grouchy and he hates pretty much everyone (even Chris, sometimes), much to Darren’s sadness. Still, Brian treats Darren more with indifference than anything else. He’s never tried to  _attack_  Darren before, so—

Chris laughs.

“Chris, this isn’t funny, I love your cat and everything but I don’t want it fucking  _mauling_  my face. I  _like_  my face. And  _you_  like my face, so it’s safe to say there should be no face mauling.”

“No, no, that’s not—your  _beard_ , Dare.”

He looks at Chris like he’s gone insane.

“Um. I mean, yeah, if Brian attacks my face it will probably mess up my beard, but I’m more concerned about the fucking scratch marks. And my eyeballs. I knew there was a reason I wore glasses!”

“To protect your eyes on the off chance you get your face mauled?”

“Pretty much. Never know when you might have something attacking your face. Cats, bears, fans, Chris Colfer’s—”

Chris swats at him.

“I’ll keep that in mind, you know, next time I want to attack your face.”

“Wait, wait no, I take it back!”

“Nope. It’s been said. I’m going to hold it against you—don’t you even think about singing Britney Spears.”

Darren snaps his mouth shut and pouts at him.

“You ruin my fun.”

“I’m going to let Brian attack you.”

“That’s animal spousal abuse!” Darren gasps in mock-horror.

“…you just made that up, that’s not a  _thing_.”

“It could be a thing.”

“I bet it doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, and the rules of the internet say that something doesn’t exist if it doesn’t have a Wikipedia page.”

“…can you give me like two hours and we can come back to this argument?”

“That’s what I thought.”

“So wait, no really, what about my beard?”

Chris blinks at him in confusion before remembering the fact that he was actually trying to tell Darren something.

“That’s why Brian is looking at you like that. You seriously look like you have an animal on your face.”

Darren reaches up to touch his beard self consciously, looking at Brian as he does so.

“You said you  _liked_  my beard.”

“I do. I’m just telling you that it offends Brian and he clearly wants to get rid of it.”

Darren is silent for a moment, his face pulled in concentration. Chris watches him, and watches Brian. He doesn’t think Brian will  _actually_  jump on Darren’s face, but he really isn’t sure. Suddenly, Darren’s face splits into a huge grin.

“You look really happy about the fact that my cat wants to attack your face.”

“He’s  _protecting_  me, Chris.”

“…he’s protecting you from your face?” Chris pushes his lips together to keep from laughing.

“Chris, that’s fucking stupid, come on.” Darren rolls his eyes in exasperation. “He’s protecting me from my beard.”

Chris smiles wryly, closing his eyes as he tries to wrap his head around exactly what Darren is saying. Any way he looks at it, though, Darren still just said that Brian is protecting him from  _his own beard_.

“So wait, I’m confused.” Chris removes his glasses for a moment to pinch at the bridge of his nose, and then looks up at the faintly blurry Darren he now sees. “You don’t want Brian to maul your face because… He would be mauling your face, but you  _do_ want Brian to maul your face because… He would be mauling your face?”

“Pfft, fuck no, I’m just saying Brian doesn’t hate me.”

“No, he hates your beard. He is the opposite of Ke$ha.”

“Shhh, not so loud, he’ll hear you,” Darren mock whispers and Chris rolls his eyes.

“I’m not getting anymore writing done today, am I?” Chris sighs, slipping his glasses back on. Darren shrugs sheepishly but at least he looks remorseful, but Chris really should know better. Having Darren over is pretty much begging to be perpetually distracted. “I wonder what I’ll—”

Darren’s grabbed him and his pulling him down on the couch until Chris feels himself balancing precariously on the edge. Darren has smushed himself up against the back of the couch and is burrowing his face beneath Chris’s.

“You’re using me as a shield, aren’t you?”

“Brian won’t attack you,” Darren mumbles. His arm slings around Chris’s waist and pulls him closer. “Also, snuggles.”

Chris sighs, pillowing his cheek against Darren’s and closing his eyes. Darren nuzzles back and forth and Chris smiles, ducking a kiss to a random spot between his ear and jaw.

“ _If I said I want your body now_.”

Chris groans, thumping one of his fists against Darren’s chest even as he feels Darren’s grin against his own cheek.

“ _Would you hold it against me?_ ”

“Yep.”

Darren laughs, nipping along Chris’s jaw until he brings them face to face.

“Hi.” Darren’s voice is low and giddy, like he’s telling a secret.

“Hi.” Chris pushes their noses together. “Excuse me, but I believe I was nuzzling your face.”

Darren chuckles and then pulls Chris close again, sliding their cheeks together as he smiles. The motion becomes a slow rock, subconscious even, as Chris enjoys the way the hairs of Darren’s beard shift against his skin. He hums happily and just barely hears Darren whisper, “totally worth it.”


End file.
